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I've always considered myself to be a very traditional person, especially in my roles as a wife and momma to three kids. I desired from such a young age to exemplify the Proverbs 31 woman and live my life according to Titus 2. Everything else was secondary to living for God in my home and serving my family.
I have been so blessed to be married to a man who loves, leads, and serves me according to God's plan. We have a beautiful marriage relationship and share an intimacy that I only dreamed about when praying for my future spouse. I thought that I was being the epitome of the perfect wife (ha ha) in all the ways that mattered, but God has shown me an area (just one of many) that He desires to have full control: the area of submitting to my husband. in. every. way.
I have never had an issue with submission, at least what other people would notice. I tend to be a passive person, and I'm not one to be bold and take charge of a situation. I desire to have my husband lead me and make the decisions he feels is best for our family. We both serve the LORD and our convictions match almost all of the time. What was the problem? What issue would *I* be having with submitting to my husband? Was I really hearing from God in this?
While in prayer recently, the thought came to mind that I have found it easy to joyfully submit to my husband the majority of the time because he was leading us down the path that I thought we should be traveling on already. *Lightbulb* How hard is it to agree with someone who is telling you what you want to hear? My husband loves me so much he doesn't expect unrealistic things of me or hold me to a standard of perfection in how I love him and serve our family - - and he praises me and upholds me in my primary role of wife and momma. The issue is: when I sense he is asking me to step out of my comfort zone and let him lead us into where HE feels God is taking us, I find myself hesitating to fully trust and step out in faith in him.
On the outside, I appear to be submitting to my husband, but inside I am filled with so many doubts and fears. What are we going to do if _______? Did he really know what God wants us to do with _________ ? Is he really hearing from God completely or do we need to ____________ ? As a woman with that sin nature as Eve's daughter, I am learning that I have tended to question and doubt my husband's decisions and leadership (wise and loving that they are) rather than submit to him without reservation and complete trust in God's plan and decision to make Randy my head and leader.
I had this issue come to light just recently when Randy advised me and lovingly decided that I could be a full-time homemaker. This is the answer to so many prayers and the deepest desires of my heart for so long . . . but, I doubted and worried, fretted and looked for a part-time job. I actually had someone offer a job to me that I considered for a moment, worried that we will not have *enough* money to survive from day to day. Rather than embracing the freedom that comes from being submitted to my husband (God) in this area, I CHOSE to take on the yoke of bondage to fear and trying to find my own way into freedom from financial pressure.
Each day, each moment, each breath finds me grappling with the decision to choose the freedom that comes from having a submitted will to my God first and my husband second. I am praying that as I rest in the peace in knowing that God is leading my husband as he is leading me and our family, I can truly start to walk in victory over the enemy that is working to make me desire the power and control over my life. Not my will but HIS be done in all things.
I thank God, that even in this area, He is still molding, preparing, and shaping me into the woman He has called me to be. My God LOVES me, my husband LOVES me, and in choosing to submit and trust them to care for and lead me, I am given the freedom to rest in His promises and build up my marriage and family in His ways. Amen!
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
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